How I got through the first two years, after fleeing domestic abuse
A friend of mine recently asked me – sadly one of many I know who have had to flee from an abusive ex – what did I do to get through it. How did I cope? And so it got me thinking that there must be others out there, others like me or like my friend, who have made the decision to leave. And now, they’re fighting for survival from the other side of the fence.
Let me tell you this. The first few years are going to be tough Especially if you have kids involved. They won’t let you be free without a fight.
But it will get better. You are strong. You are courageous. And you can do this.
So, the first thing you need to ask yourself is are you safe? And if you don’t feel safe what can you do to change that?
Personally, I didn’t give my ex my new address. He had my parent’s address but that was it. When we first started supervised contact, we always met in a neutral place with someone we both knew trusted to oversee it. Unfortunately with us, it got so bad that in the end, no one could supervise the visits and we were advised to arrange them at the contact centre.
So how did I get through it?
During this time, the bombardment of abuse and psychological terror got worse. I was stalked, threatened, and would receive emails on a daily basis about all the things I was doing wrong. How this was all my fault and how I was ruining our son's life.
I remember the day he stalked and threatened me. I was so shaken but even then, I didn’t want to go to the police because I was frightened of the repercussions.
But, as I started to get braver and with the help of the professionals who were helping me I did a few things which helped me considerably.
Step 1: Block him
If you have a solicitor, refer them to them. If you don’t have a solicitor use a burner phone which you can turn on and off as and when you need to. Or, if your contact is via email, file them automatically so you can read them when you are prepared.
By stopping the constant barrage of communication from them, and only reading them when you are prepared or completely removing them from your life, you are taking back the control. Only when you take back the control, can you start to heal.
Step 2: Talk to a professional
There is no way I would have got through this without the help and guidance of trained psychologists and the Domestic Violence charity that helped me. Go to your doctor and explain to them what’s happening or contact your local Women’s Shelter. They should be able to refer you on to someone who can help. If you go through a referral you may be able to get a portion of the cost covered under Medicare.
Step 3: Download a Mindfulness App
Deep breathing and therapy were my best friends for a long time. I downloaded an app and whenever I felt frightened or overwhelmed I focused on my breathing techniques. This was especially helpful at night when my mind would go into overdrive and my thoughts were terrifying.
Step 4: Work on you
It sounds cliche but how can you look after others if your own cup is empty? We know that healthy eating and exercise are so important for our mental health. So get outside, go for walks, or start an at home program. I chose 28 by Sam Wood and I found it was amazing – healthy, delicious food, 28 mins of exercise to do at home or the gym, and mindfulness with some meditations.
Step 5: Read, read, and read some more
I am a reader. I read to learn, I look to books to teach and talk to my son about complicated subjects, and I read every night before bed. So, I started to read about emotional intelligence, resilience, surviving trauma. You name it, I read it. I was especially conscious about making sure my son felt loved and secure, even though he was no longer seeing his dad.
So there you have it. This is what I did to cope. Obviously every case is different and I’m not a trained psychologist or legal professional so none of this is advice. I’m simply telling my story in the hope that it can help you in some way.
I’ve also written a children’s book to help you explain to your children why they aren’t seeing their dad anymore, or they’re only getting limited visitations – Where’s my daddy by Zoe Jones
If you believe you are being abused or are worried for your safety, please reach out and ask for help:
National Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence Counselling Service 24-hour helpline 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732
24-hour Emergency Accommodation helpline on 1800 800 588
Safe At Home helpline on 1800 633 937
SHE (free and confidential counselling and support) on 6278 9090
Sexual Assault Support Services on 6231 1811, or after hours 6231 1817
Family Violence Crisis and Support Service on 1800 608 122
Bravehearts – Sexual Assault Support for Children on 1800 BRAVE 1
Please don't go it alone. Reach out for help by contacting Lifeline on 13 11 14
Men who have anger, relationship or parenting issues, should contact the Men's Referral Service on 1300 766 491
