What's it like to live with coercive control?
Coercive Control or Domestic Abuse is featuring more and more in the headlines. We’re now starting to realise how insidious it is. But what’s it like to live it and how do you know you’re in an abusive relationship?
I ask you this question because I know how hard it is to say to yourself that what you’re experiencing is Domestic Abuse. And I purposefully say Domestic Abuse now because the term Domestic Violence conjures up images of black eyes and broken bones – not a broken soul.
A friend of mine recently admitted she’s suffered Domestic Abuse in a past relationship. This was a friend that a group of us had to rescue. To take a day off work so we could go and get her out, whilst the man she was living with was at work. We were all terrified of this man. We turned up, packed up her stuff, threw her phone sim card in the sea and hid her at my house. That’s how scared she was. How scared we were for her. Yet, only now, after reading an article I wrote for Kidspot did she message and say “I think what I suffered was Domestic Abuse”.
The fact is, It can happen to anyone, from any background and any family. It happened to me. I am a confident, strong and very loved woman who had a great childhood and a loving and supportive family. But all of that didn’t matter because I still fell under the control of an abuser.
Domestic Abuse is a scary word. A word that I would not have used to describe my situation when I was in the middle of it. It’s an umbrella description for so many forms of abuse – emotional, coercive control, financial, sexual and more. It’s unlikely that it is just one form, there are usually a few things going on which is why Domestic Abuse is a better term.
The killer instinct
A recent review found coercively controlling behaviour has been prevalent in most Domestic Abuse related murders in NSW. Experts know that coercively controlling behaviours are one of the main signs your life could be in danger – especially in the early days of their victim leaving.
So please, if you are thinking about fleeing or you have just left, make sure you are safe. Get help from professionals. Call the police if you are ever threatened. And keep yourself and your children safe.
My story
It started off slowly and continued gradually, each time etching away at my self esteem and self-belief.
I was with my abuser for 4 years. For 3 1/2 of those years I thought I could fix him. I thought I could help him to become the person that I knew he could be. I started questioning whether I loved him after 1 year but by that time it was too late. I was pregnant with his child so I needed to give it a go. The funny thing was, I always knew that what was happening wasn’t right and it wasn’t healthy. We had totally different opinions on how relationships/love/life should be.
I grew up in a household where everyone was equal and opinions / feelings were respected. He believed that there was always a more dominant one in each relationship and of course, that was the man.
He couldn’t believe the women in my family were so strong and felt intimidated by it. He called the men in my family weak because in his mind they let their women make all of the decisions.
Brain scramble
It’s quite amazing how somebody is able to climb into your head and scramble everything that you have built over your lifetime. Scramble it and tell you that their way is better and your way is so wrong. In order for them to do this successfully, they have to pull you away from your friends and family – slowly forming a void big enough for their influence to be stronger.
But this is something that happens slowly over time. It doesn’t happen straight away. It doesn’t happen overnight.
The best analogy I have read is about a frog in a boiling pot of water. If you drop the frog into water that is already boiled, it will jump out straight away as it knows that the water is too hot. However, if you drop the frog into a cold pot of water and gradually turn up the heat, the frog will boil to death. The change in temperature was so subtle that it didn’t even notice.
The loss of hope, the discovery of freedom
When I finally realised that I couldn’t fix him. That there was really no hope and my life was going to get a whole lot worse. That my son would turn out like his father if I stuck around. I started to think about leaving. But when your thoughts, feelings and opinions are being crushed, brushed aside, discounted and demeaned this can be a mammoth task.
The very thought of moving, of finding somewhere to live, setting up on your own as a single parent is an exhausting thought. There were the threats, manipulation and emotional blackmail that I suffered if I even mentioned that I wasn’t happy “you will never find anyone better”, “leave me and I will have nothing to do with our son”, “if you meet someone else they will probably cheat on you. I won’t cheat on you but I know what men are like”, “I will tell the court you are an irresponsible mother because you have left the cot side down more than once” the list goes on and on.
When you are listening to that every day, it’s hard to lift your head up and see through the fog. But I did. I reached out to a wonderful local charity organisation who were able to help me find the way out.
And now, 5 years on, I’m stronger than I've ever been. I look back and I have no regrets, no resentment. You may ask why? How can I harbour no ill will towards a man who treated me so badly?
The truth is, I believe that it taught me how strong and courageous I truly am. Throughout the years of abuse, I kept my job. I kept friendship even though they were strained for a while. And what does that show me? It shows me how loved I am. How resilient I am. And how capable I am. That despite how broken I was, I was still able to live.
That doesn’t mean I'm no longer afraid of him. I don’t think that deep-rooted fear will ever leave, but I am not going to let it stop me being who I am.
You’re strong. You’ve got this.
So, just because you have never had your nose broken, it doesn’t mean you aren’t being abused.
And if you are, I am proof that you can break-free. You can get out and rebuild your life and the lives of your children. There are people out there that can help you get away from mental torture that you have to endure every day. You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve to be happy. Don’t think that you are alone and that there is no hope. There is always hope.
If you believe you are being abused or are worried for your safety, please reach out and ask for help:
National Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence Counselling Service 24-hour helpline 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732
24-hour Emergency Accommodation helpline on 1800 800 588
Safe At Home helpline on 1800 633 937
SHE (free and confidential counselling and support) on 6278 9090
Sexual Assault Support Services on 6231 1811, or after hours 6231 1817
Family Violence Crisis and Support Service on 1800 608 122
Bravehearts – Sexual Assault Support for Children on 1800 BRAVE 1
Please don't go it alone. Reach out for help by contacting Lifeline on 13 11 14
Men who have anger, relationship or parenting issues, should contact the Men's Referral Service on 1300 766 491
